There’s an eerie silence amidst my actions these days. Almost like a winding down. A quiet that I am not so accustomed to. The nervous system that used to clang like bells and whistles feels and sounds more like wind chimes, creeks and streams. As if one of those meditation apps is actually playing inside of me.
Sure, it could be the perfectly curated Instagram only showing me the people, places and subjects that inspire me. Or the “news outlets” that have been turned off in our house for over eight years. It could also be the life transitions. The things, people and projects falling away from my responsibility.
Of course, as we all know, the world is really not that quiet. Cars, people and schedules bustling about. Places to go, people to see, things to DO.
It’s like “Go, Go, Go” has been so tightly wound into our nervous system’s, our collective psyche, that we don’t quite know what to do when the gas pedal and brakes of our lives are no longer needed. I certainly don’t.
I find myself searching… “I could do this”, “I could start that”, “Nothing’s happening, what will I do?”…
Breathing again, I feel the sense in my nervous system, focusing deeper, listening to what really wants to arise, what really wants to be created now.
Nothing comes.
But the tone inside of me is still and soft and sweet. Is this really an opportunity to be?
My mind searches for all the things that “could” happen, all of the things I need to be prepared for, death, famine, wars, environmental changes, health and lifestyle changes…
But none of it is here now. Or is it?
Does our preparation create circumstances within our reality to utilize said readiness? Would I be a fool not to pay any attention to the “things that might happen”?
The misattributed quote from Charles Bukowski comes to mind (you can read more about that here), “Do what you love and let it kill you.”
There are so many angles and interpretations to this quote. First off, “Do what you love” is used in various other quotes from Abraham-Hicks to You Are a BadA** by Jen Sincero.
What does it mean?
To me, it means focus on those things, places and people that which you LOVE.
Taken a step further, what IS love, how does it work, how does love serve you best?
An important note of understanding love, what it is and how it works that only a human with an open heart can fully internally understand. I think it operates different for all of us, with the consideration of how we were raised (and loved), what we were taught about love, and our own individual and unique experiences of love.
So, DO what you love. Do you know what that is? The places, people, motions, experiences and things that light you up the most on the inside? That connect in ways that have you saying, “How did this even happen?” “How did you do that?” “This is amazing” and “I love you”. Love can be celebrated in the peaks and the valleys. On the wedding days, and on death beds. Sometimes grief can teach us how to love even better.
For me, the experience of finding what I loved, started by re-connecting to the child within. Everyone called her LA or Lala (hence we are all living in Lala’s Life Garden now ;) I felt I had somehow lost her along the way of youth, teens and twenties. It doesn’t matter so much how she became lost, but rather how I found her again.
Cultivating play for the sake of her. I brought opportunities into my life to play in ways that I hadn’t for years and years. To play with words. To play with friends. To go run and jump on the beach barefooted without a care in the world. To explore the woods. To learn something new. Through all of these different activities over years and years I started cultivating that spark and connection. I knew when Lala was around. I knew how to encourage her, support her, and show her that I would never leave her side again.
On my most recent podcast How to be Human with Ceylan Kara she talks about an internal sacred marriage. Bringing the masculine and feminine parts of ourselves together, the yin and the yang. Committing to being and working together. I feel as though my experience of getting to know the child within was like retrieving all the feminine parts of myself that I’d abandoned to fit into a very masculine driven Newtonian world.
The wonder of my youth beginning to inspire the wonder in my adulthood. “What would happen if…” angled towards those things that I was genuinely interested and curious about rather than towards apocalyptic dooms day scenarios. As with anything curiosity is a double-edged sword and must be used and aimed wisely.
I find the silence within beating together like a drum. That youthful child and the adult working and dancing in tandem. Showing me a different way to do things. It’s all new. I’m not quite comfortable. Not that that’s the goal. But I sure like to be good at things that I do. More so, I just want to be me. And the kid, that’s the one who helps me remember, who shows me where to look. Who reminds me if I’ve abandoned her again (it’s less and less each day).
I suppose if I could reach into words that might describe the sense I feel now is a notion of unity. The silence, the stillness, the peace. And, I’ve felt it before… I remember this space now. And rather than clinging to what I feel, I am ready to just be here now.
The Silence We All Long For