It’s December and we’re in full holiday swing around here. Every year I “try” to slow down, bring some semblance to the activities I participate in, and voice intention for giving and receiving.
More times than not, it often feels as though I’ve failed. Time still moves fast. There’s always just a few weeks left ‘til gift exchange and I’m behind yet again. And to add icing to the pity cake I sure don’t feel much different than last year…
This is shadow talking.
As we bridge into our fourth question from the How to be Human inquiry list 4) What are easy reminders to be more human when some around us are walking and talking a little less human perhaps more “programmed/conditioned”…
My sense is our ability to navigate people, attitudes and places that don’t align with our highest values and goals comes down to how we navigate the sh*t, shadow and shame that arises in our very own lives.
“When the sh*t hits the fan…” is a common saying, and it’s true. Sh*t does hit the fan, and spray meticulously EVERYWHERE… Like the pipe that burst underneath my house this morning. Luckily it was just water. But ugh, honestly, I’m finding it hard even now to talk about this subject. Is it too dire? Why talk about the corners of despair or languishing in our lives?
Toxic positivity sometimes gets me twisted in my boots that if I even say the thing (sh*t), name the thing (shadow) or own the feeling (shame), then all I’m doing is acknowledging things that I don’t want and creating room for more of it in my life. Which is so far from the truth, but can still stop me in my tracks without a word to utter at times.
Sh……
This is how shame works. Shame shuts us down. Shame doesn’t take the blame. Shame moves and lurks amongst the shadows of the world. Those spaces we’re afraid to talk about or acknowledge. Those people that you know are out there but really want nothing to do with. They move under the curtain, without principles, only self-serving intention. And while sometimes these people may not appear scary, their actions can take down an entire operation. All because they are ONLY interested in what they want, not what is best for the whole.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable… If we cultivate enough awareness about shame, to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.”
-Brené Brown ‘Daring Greatly’
How do we hold what we want AND what’s best for all? Because THIS is a surefire way to balance shadow. It’s also a surefire way to work with challenging shadow and being very solid and grounded with our values and principles when the sh*t does hit the fan.
I’ve had the pleasure of working with some masterful teachers, mentors, comrades and friends who I’ve observed working with shadow. Sometimes the collective shadow, sometimes their own shadow, sometimes even mine.
There have been some approaches where getting continually poked in those shame spots, moved me into action. I was so damn uncomfortable that I had to find my boundaries and vocalize “No more. No more pokes!”
There have been approaches where I’ve been held through the pain of working with shadow. I’ve been listened to non-judgmentally and guided to spaces of healing.
There have been instances where a person literally made me become my shadow through triggers and reactions. I became a living breathing walking and talking fear monger, stuck in a static state of my nervous system out of fear, protection and shame. For the most part, this person did not take my reaction personally. However, I did, because I was so ashamed at the projection I’d unconsciously aimed at them. It completely tarnished the beginning phases of our interactions. Which I worked to amend. Thankfully this person forgave me on the spot, because my sense is they know that how shadow moves is not always a personal game. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a bit. We can become conscious around shadow and therefore alter it in its tracks. Through a very slow moving process and constant challenges, this person helped me do that.
And then when the time came for another scenario in my life where my nervous system wanted to behave with projections enacting this same reaction I was able to be calm, to reach for support and to think clearly.
“Under pressure, you don't rise to the occasion, you sink to the level of your training. That's why we train so hard.”
-Anonymous Navy Seal
So, what helped the most? My willingness to be honest? To name the thing? Being surrounded by folks who were willing to enter “the dark” together?
I find that shit, shadow, even plain ol’ challenges… have a tendency rattle one’s cage. And it’s not so much about how we get rattled, the practice can turn into how quickly can we return home? Home to a centered, grounded space of calm, where we can be aware and responsive. Which practice do we utilize? Breathwork, Exercise, Calling in someone in our support circle, Focusing, Praying, Asking for help? What is our most trusted resource?
And this seems like it comes down to how trauma has operated throughout our systems. For me, Trusting was the ultimate. If we all have light and dark inside of us, I didn’t trust that somehow your darkness wasn’t going to lash out and hurt me. This kept me solitary and isolated from other people. Which actually is worse than getting “hurt”.
I found that ultimately, I didn’t trust myself. The pain just always hurt too much. I didn’t trust that I would stand up and say something, I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t crumble under the pain, I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t react back with my own shadow or projection.
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
-Brené Brown
Where it all stemmed from? Who knows, abandonment issues, generational trauma, religion, culture, gender identity, I mean I’m sure there’s many places to blame. And I’m not so sure that’s really the important part of any of this.
What is important is how we deal with sh*t, shadow and shame. Do we sweep it under the rug? Do we face it valiantly? Do we call it out? Do we ignore it? Do we even see, sense or smell it???
The masterful teachers I’ve witnessed somehow know how to alchemize, transform and recycle sh*t, shadow and shame.
When this capacity becomes available to you then every challenge becomes an opportunity for creativity, curiosity and action.
Sh*t becomes GOLD.
Do you know anyone in your life who can turn sh*t into GOLD?
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
-Albus Dumbledore
That’s it for us this week Hedge Schoolers! Talk Soon, Lara.
Sh*t, Shadow & Shame...