A friend of mine disappeared. She went silent. Dark :30.
I know the move, I know it well. Too much is happening. Change, chaos, something hurts real deep. Unable to hang, we retreat.
These retreats inward were not so productive in my earlier years. Sparking depression, negative downward spirals of thinking, and lots of alcohol.
I reached out. To her. For her. For me.
“Where are you?” I asked and “We miss you.”
I suppose in my moments of darkness, these are the words at times I wish someone would have said to me.
My friend came to light through these words, “I’m here… “ she said, “Life just threw me a few curve balls.” Pausing, “And I suppose I retreated instead of reaching out. I’m not used to having a place of support.”
What if we had a space where we could retreat within AND retreat without into and through our support networks?
Sometimes our curve balls seem so unique that no one will understand what is happening for us. I’ve found over the years when I say the thing, really say it out loud in a group of trusted allies, there is ALWAYS a thread of connection and support.
David Goggins, you gotta love the guy, he’s overcome so many mental and emotional hurdles with a knack for pushing through extremes, says in his book Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds, “I learned I was the only. The only black person. The only poor guy. The only this or that…” (I’m paraphrasing here)
As I listened to the audio book driving down the Pacific Coast Highway on the west end of the United States towards the Redwoods in California it donned on me. I am “the only” in so many situations. The only gay person, the only athletic person, the only creative, the only linear thinker… on and on the list could go.
And you are the only woman, the only man, the only mother, the only orphan, the only agent of change… The only one who understands… Perhaps we are all connected through our “The Only – ness”.
I am not the only only in the room. I am ‘the only’ with ‘the only’ you.
Reaching into our question this week for the How to be Human Series: How can we intentionally engage all humans to be more human?
Maybe with one simple question: What is your only-ness? Where are you ‘The only’?
Let’s connect through that. Let’s hold and support one another.
And then tell me about those connections. Who held you? Who supported you? Why are you grateful for them?
I don’t know that there’s necessarily a Jedi move we’d be able to unleash that will intentionally engage all humans to be more human other than just BEING human ourselves.
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
-Leonard Cohen
It’s a two-way street. The wound is the thread line of hope. Our vulnerabilities and grief can lead to connection and joy. And broken hearts can open a world of possibilities, new friendships and delights.
Perhaps this question: How can we intentionally engage all humans to be more human? is more of an internal job. We make the choice to share who we are, where we hurt and are fractured, not in hopes of healing, not in hopes of connection, but rather because we are human and this, this being human, the acknowledgment of our essence is where we can really begin to create.
So, it is upon me and upon you and you to intentionally engage ourselves to lean in. To listen deeper to that pulsing beat in our guts. A rhythm so sweet it cannot be muffled.
I had a conversation with a new friend last week. Her name is Judy Clarke. She is a Mindful Self Compassion Coach with a background in psychology. She taught me the simple essence and difference between empathizing and compassion.
Empathizing means you identify with another human’s story. Which can be great for perspective taking, shifting while making someone feel seen and heard. Although it also reinforces “the story”.
Compassion means you recognize another human’s moment of suffering without over identifying. You can, “put your hand on your heart and say, ‘Ah, this is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment.’”
Try it. It just feels different. Like a warm, enveloping, blanket of love. And perhaps if I’m feeling this way, feeling kind to myself in this moment, maybe you might feel inclined to be kind to yourself in this moment too.
Maybe our ability and/or willingness to recognize another human’s moments of joy, triumph and suffering compassionately is the direct engagement for us to be all of the wondrous, confusing, delightful, distraught, cherished human being’s that we are.
And so it is.
Our How to Be Human Series continues fortnightly in two weeks with an absolute treat as we share conversations with some of our favorite humans on this earth. Until then, let’s all just try to be as human as we can be Hedge Schoolers. Lara out.
How to be Human: Holding Space for Curve Balls