In conversation with a group of software developers last week the topic of everyone’s overall life satisfaction and happiness came up. For most the tone was mute. People were just chugging along.
During my turn of sharing I highlighted some of the things our family is going through, bit of flooding in our basement, water drainage issues, company communication issues, ongoing timelines, etc. but amidst that doing decent.
Someone said, “I can’t believe you could have that much going on and be doing decent.”
To which I shrugged and said, “It’s just a higher low. We go through the cycle of continuous challenges and triumphs, the goal to me seems to be not staying stuck in a loop but rather spiraling up and out, hence the higher lows.”
“I’ve never thought of it like that,” a friend said laughing.
I laughed too and said, “Me neither, but fortunately or unfortunately I’ve had the opportunity of experiencing a lot of lows and a lot of comebacks. So the goal became to just start making the pitfalls higher lows.”
Everyone kind of nodded, hemmed and hawed a bit.
“It’s all about struggling efficiently…” I shared, words I’ve heard from mentors like Jamie Wheal and Steven Kolter when learning how to induce, propel and cultivate our own unique flow cycles.
As a peak performance coach the first assumption of others is that the “peak” is all about getting “high”, optimizing, being our best selves, #LiveYourBestLife… And at times it is. There’s gotta be juice to get up and outta bed in the morning.
But the truth about flow and peak performance is that you have to get really good at struggling. You have to remember who you are, what you’re doing, where you’ve come from, who is worthy of standing next to you and where you’re going amidst each earth shattering low.
Some people call it character, rather the ability to come to know one’s true self when the sh*t truly hits the fan.
The struggle is where the juice is made. The struggle teaches one what they will and will not stand for. To lay boundaries, and sign posts for themselves and those they love. Our principles and values are etched into our psyche’s throughout these struggles.
Who did you love? How did you treat them? What did you give? How did you serve? All comes rising up when everything has boiled down to the bottom line.
Sounds pretty scary actually. I was only thinking of myself, I never gave an ounce of care to anyone but my family, I messed up….
And, it’s BEAUTIFUL. For these are the moments that we can grab the reins of our own redemption. Now, I think of others, especially when I’m hungry and give food away. Now, I treat so many families as if they are my own. Now, I realize the mess up, the low, and that it is the catapult for the greatness.
Do we need to locate our center? Or does it locate us through these moments of struggle and joy?
When I have conversations with people who intrigue me there are moments throughout the exchange that I feel ‘located’, “Ah I’ve been heard… They see me.” Not in a way of reflective listening, just repeating what I’ve said, but in a way that takes an honest presence of another. Feeling into themselves, listening within and listening without. It can be done! And, it takes practice.
When this type of listening lands, it’s like the Universe has answered a question I’ve been asking in a unique way that maybe only I would understand through another human being, interaction, place or space. Like a wink. A spark of light. A sign, synchronicity or convergence. Most times the people who connect in this way don’t even necessarily “know” they’ve done it.
Unless they are so in tune with their inner space that they know ‘something’ has landed. Something is moving, generating, and we are in a dance together. We don’t need to know why we are dancing, or necessarily what the song is, we just need to keep going.
In order to dance together like this, we need to practice and we need to step on each others toes. We need to step out of rhythm. We need to be given the space and grace to make mistakes, to bang our heads against a few walls, to say a few things that might not be meant to be said. To find the rhythm again, to dance by ourselves, with a partner, or in groups just for the sake of dancing!
These are the types of “mistakes”, misgivings and pains that used to demolish me towards inefficient struggle. “I can’t do it” “This will never work” “What’s the use”… on a silently repeated record vibrating throughout the back of my mind. But it’s like, knowing that we’re going to mess up. That things won’t go our way. That they won’t go to plan, IS a part of the plan, helps the struggle be more efficient.
A mis-step turns into a higher low, because my next step is right in tune again! I don’t feel sorry for stepping out of tune, I feel GRATEFUL. The course correction happens instantaneously and we are still going and this is a part of the dance.
I challenge you to give yourself the grace and space to have higher lows. To celebrate the moments of anguish, frustration, as a turning point, an opportunity to course correct. Become unafraid of these moments. And like a mentor of mine has said, “Do not be afraid of the dark, light a fire!”
If there’s one thing I wish I would’ve learned sooner or faster it would have been how to tread water amidst the struggle. To conserve energy, to not make things worse than they already are. Because hard times pass, we all get up for another day and we can get right back on the path we were charting anyway. That is, unless you’ve learned something new to shift it. ;)
Struggle efficiently friends and you’ll be the lifeboat you were always looking for.
Til next time,
Lara
From Sorrowful Woes to Higher Lows